


Let it go

by sanar



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Book Spoilers, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 22:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11655666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanar/pseuds/sanar
Summary: Alec is still in shock as he whispers “Ave atque vale,” at Max's funeral. Magnus stands next to him, holding his hand, but Alec doesn't feel much other than the overwhelming need for vengeance.Alec is going in a downward spiral after Max's death.





	Let it go

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from Shadowhunters TV series or the Mortal Instruments books. 
> 
> Alec might be a bit OOC. This plot bunny came to alive with what Matt said during SDCC, that if something were to happen to Max, Alec would grieve later because he is a leader and people depended on him.

  
  


Alec watches numbly as Brother Zachariah declares that Max is dead. His mother's face crumples into grief, his father takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself, in front of his remaining children. Izzy sobs brokenly and Alec just reaches for her and hugs her close. It feels mechanical for him, but his little sister clings to Alec as if her life depends on it. 

Magnus comes back to the Institute after his meeting with the Seelie Queen. They don't talk. They don't need to. Magnus picks up Alec's cold hands in his, squeezing them gently.  Alec can't seem to focus, his vision blurs and all he can hear is white noise around him.

Not a single tear falls. 

………………………………………………

 

Alec doesn't cry when they go back home. Magnus guides him to their bathroom, draws him a bath, washes his hair and guides him back to their bed. No words pass between them. Magnus’ touches are gentle and comforting…. Yet, Alec can't seem to find any comfort in them. His movements are mechanical, his mind frozen in the image of his little brother's pale face, soaked in blood. Magnus hugs him, rocking him, until the exhaustion finally drags him towards sleep. He sleeps restlessly and  Magnus tries to soothe him as much as possible… But he can’t find any comfort.

Still, not a single tear falls.

……………………………………….

 

Alec is still in shock as he whispers “Ave atque vale,” at Max's funeral. Magnus stands next to him, holding his hand, but Alec doesn't feel much other than the overwhelming need for vengeance.

Alec gears up for the battle against Valentine and Sebastian… Jonathan... whatever that demon’s name is. 

Right now, he is on a mission. 

To protect Magnus, to protect Izzy, to protect Jace, to protect the Institute, to protect downworlders….

_ Protect.. protect….protect… _

He is a leader. Alec can grieve later, once they have saved the world from Morgensterns and after they get revenge for Max. 

Maybe then, those tears can  finally fall.

…………………………………………….

 

The battle rages on and they become surrounded by hordes of demons. Magnus and Izzy stand alongside him, his mind constantly whirling. 

_ Protect.. protect….protect… _

He fails again. Alec's parabatai rune flares up, with excruciating pain, and with a cry for Jace, Alec scrambles into the darkness.

…………………………………………….

 

Alec feels like he is floating around an endless pit. He sees Max and Jace. They are not speaking, their eyes are void. Alec screams and screams, but both Max and Jace are silent. 

Alec wants to cry… He just wants to scream and cry.

…………………………………………….

 

Izzy and Magnus are there when he wakes up. They tell him that Jace had died, but Clary had brought him back to life. Their bond is back, silent and at times feels nonexistent, but it's there, slowly repairing itself. 

They tell him that Raziel had killed Valentine and Jace had killed Sebastian. Suddenly Alec feels that he was robbed of the chance of vengeance. He wants to cry for the lost opportunity... For the lost closure. 

Yet, even now, not a single tear falls.

…………………………………………….

 

Two months have passed since the war. Everything is almost back to normal. Alec had handed over the Institute to his mother, who had moved back to New York.  

Alec goes on missions on a daily basis, including unsanctioned ones. He is on a killing spree of any demon that he can get his hands on, with a reckless rage which doesn't seem to extinguish.

Magnus is worried about him and his family is worried, but Alec can't grieve just yet. He can grieve once he has killed enough demons. 

His mind supplies.

_ Protect.. protect….protect… _

Alec doesn't stop. He can't stop… and in all honesty, he doesn't know how to. He tells half truths to Izzy, Jace and Magnus. Jace and Alec's bond is weak, Jace barely notices his downward spiral. His parabatai seems to be distanced as if he is trapped in some kind of a trance. 

So Alec pushes back his feelings, just like the way he did all those years before Magnus came into his life. He rebuilds the walls, stronger and thicker and shuts down anyone who is coming closer to break them.

He can't grieve… not now…

Not a single tear falls.

…………………………………………….

 

Magnus, Jace and Izzy find him after one gruesome unsanctioned mission. He is kneeling on the floor with a pack of Shax demons, massacred all around him. His head and shoulder hurt, his vision weaves back and forth. Everything seems to be in a haze. 

Magnus kneels in front of him and he feels the tendrils of Magnus’ warm soothing magic healing him. Alec blinks when awareness snaps back to him and he feels Magnus cupping his cheeks.

 

“It's not enough, Magnus. It's never enough.” Alec whispers brokenly. His voice hoarse as if he had screamed non-stop for hours. 

 

May be he has been screaming non-stop. 

 

“What's not enough darling?”

 

“It's not enough for Max.” 

 

Magnus lets out a strangled sob and gathers him into a hug. 

 

“It's alright Alexander… It’s over. You can let go now... You can let go.” Magnus rocks them both, one hand cupping his head and neck.

 

“I don't know how to,”   Alec mumbles back, finally letting himself soak into the comfort that Magnus is offering. 

 

The traitorous tears finally start to fall. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my lovely beta, Bea ♥
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading! ♥


End file.
